The gestation period for my average blog post matches that of the human zygote. Nine months. That’s roughly one syllable every four hours.
Speaking of embryos (a segway to be proud of), science once thought that women were impregnated by frogs, noting the visual similarities between frogs and fetuses. Oddly enough in searching for this fact on the internets I learned that a woman in India became pregnant in a frothy semen laden river and gave birth to the world’s very first frog baby back in 2009. The locals paraded him about town in a roasting pan for the half hour duration of his frog baby existence. Rest in peace, frog baby #1. Be proud to have laid the foundation.
Science once reasoned that women were impregnated by opossums…in their sleep…via the nostrils. You see opossums have forked penises. And nostrils, well they bifurcate which let’s face it sounds dirty.
“But Aristotle!! Vermin don’t impregnate people!! People impregnate people!!”
Aristotle Stagiritis, son of Nicomachus and father to…ummm…another Nicomachus AND organized science as we know it.
I suppose we can’t hold the father of modern science accountable for what a bad, bad scientist he really was. For whatever reason <Bah Dun Tat>, Aristotle relied primarily on his cognitive ability and NOT observation in his search for truths (rhymes with youths to make it more pretentious). For instance, he reasoned that men had more teeth than women.
“Alright guys, let’s give him this one. I see no harm in it.” “That’s just ‘Stotle being ‘Stotle,” they said. “No harm, no foul,” they said.
Well my beautiful frog baby friends, it’s all fun and games until someone sets back science 2000 years, and JUST when he had gone and invented it. Other observers of his time had already begun to devise a notion much resembling that of atomic theory. Instead, with one quick breath from his impressively “toothy” mouth, the world was informed that it was made up entirely of water, air, earth, and fire…in varying degrees of hotness, coldness, dryness, and wetness of course.
And aaaahhh the miracle maggots!! Cute and fuzzy lil festering rays of immaculate sunshine on the rancid strip steak of life!! Spontaneous generation!! Another of Stotti’s babies. So untouchable was the work of Aristotle that this dogma was still universally accepted well into the 19th century until finally dispelled by Louis Pasteur of refrigerated milk fame. You could leave an 1865 slab of beef out on an 1865 picnic table and soon enough you would witness the very miracle of life. Tiny, segmented, translucent, white bodies writhing around in a newborn frenzy, devouring the very cutlet from whence they came to be. Ruin a good steak if you let them. $49.99 in today dollahs for a 9 oz. filet mignon, miracle maggots are a nuisance if you ask me.
Reductio ad absurdum – because its stupid.
Fortunately today we realize that maggots do NOT come from meat. No, no. Like MOST misconstrued miracles, maggots come from flies. Virgin gives birth – flies. Long walks on water – flies. Never ending bread and fish – flies. Never ending lobster tail once a year at your local seafood chain – a moment of silent prayer for the act of God before us. Parting of the Red Sea – fruit flies. The fact is lepers throughout history would be doomed to a limbless existence had it not been for Musca Domestica, the common house fly. Yes, yes. The road to canonization is paved with the corpes of a billion dead inects.
“But, The Hooves!! What does any of this have to do with drawing???”
Only EVERYTHING. How many teefs are in yo mouth?? Open up and say aaaahhh. Now count those motherfuckers.